Awkward...

I am not really sure as to what it really is that I'm looking for....

Relationship wise, I think I'm through with that. Coming back to school, I've come to the the decision that education is ultimately the stronger reason for why I'm even here...So I care about that more than Anything.

And then there's the social portion that comes with that of course.

I spoke to some of my college friends today about males, fucking and what is the norm verses what is just out of pocket.

It was actually a pretty interesting conversation.

I learned that there's all types of different kinds of women....Not that I didn't know this fact before, but just that having the conversation with them kinda made me feel like I was really open.....Especially to some seriously dangerous situations.

My friends: Both lost their virginity's to their boyfriends. They both have only splet with one partner. They both think that flirting is the farthest that you should ever go with a guy you don't know. They're both very serious about their relationships and who they fuck......And they don't really care about sex, because none of them are really having it.

I: Did not lose my virginity to a dude I was in a relationship with. I've had quite a few sexual partners. I've gone above and beyond with some people that I claim I would probably never speak to in public or if I didn't want sex. I can fuck people I find an attraction to without emotion, especially if it's not happening frequently. I'm getting more and more closer to the sex addict stage I believe....I can honestly say that at this point in time....I truly need it, every time I want it.

Does this make me a horrible, careless, mindless person....?

Fuck no.

I just think different then a lot of females....Or at least the ones that I am surrounded by as my friends....Because those are really all the ones that I can speak for.

I know there's so many things that are wrong with fornication....I get that.

Mostly emotional...

And my friend actually brought up a really good point....Which I mean this point, I already knew, but it was just the way she said it. The way SHE said it...Yeah.

"You say you enjoy em' cause you don't know em'....But you can't have that much joy if you never know what you're getting yourself into."

And she's fucking right.

He's fucking me....He's kissing me....He's rubbing me....He's just on me....

But he doesn't know the brain behind my head.....He doesn't know that I'm a writer.....He doesn't know my major....He doesn't know my number one dream....He doesn't know my emotion.....He doesn't know what makes me upset or happy....He may not even know my name....

And this is all the same from my side as well....

But that doesn't make it right. And I know that it's really not right....But sometimes, that's the last thing you have to think about...

These are people that I don't plan on speaking to again....But despite the fact that I don't plan on speaking to them ever again, that doesn't mean that it's still not awkward when I have to face them in public...Even if they're not worried about me....It's the principle that I fucked you....and even though I don't want to see your face, you're in my face whether I like it or not.

Like, the devil's holding a cloud of guilt above my head...

That's exactly how that shit feels to me. Like I sinned and now the devil will not let me be.

So maybe I can't be as reckless as I thought I could be....and maybe I'm just not.

I need to realize that....I know I do. Because I don't want to fuck anymore people in college for fun.....Maybe sometimes.....I'm only human. But, I don't want to exploit that....and tell myself that it's ok when I know that shit....

Hurts.

It hurts.....

Samantha.....What the fuck are you doing....?

I don't know.....I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for letting myself down.....for letting myself go.....for letting myself believe that I could handle it...

Because when I'm done with him, all he turns into is another one of them clouds, hanging on top of my head. It's very seldom that a girl will hit it of with a guy after a fuck....especially if you never spoke to this individual before that very moment.

The fucking part is fine with me.....I wanted that.

But that aftermath section.....When you actually have to think about it....and then see them walking around....?

Like do I say hi, or do I just act like I don't see him and keep on walking....?

I really don't know anymore...

I don't.