-The Fuck With A Best Friend.

Haven't done an entry on anything that serious for a minute now, and I've been doing a lot of thinking. Not just about what to write about, but about my life in general.

Coming out of high school, at this point in time, it's really nothing all that new. I remember what it's like, but I don't think about it in terms of missing it. I think about it in terms of just that, it was what it was.....I graduated.....and now I gotta move on and do new things with myself.

I find that when I get up, like.....I really don't got much to do with my days. Because most of the free time that I had on the weekends or after school, was designated to my friends. I remember sometimes I even hung out with my friends more than I was at home with my family. I created such close knit relationships.....and after I graduated, I was happy you know who wouldn't be.....but the new reality that I had to face....

Was that I was lonely.

The person I called my best friend in high school......Me and her have yet to really say anything to each other since graduation. We were really close, did everything together.......Living in the fantasy section of my high school career. And after graduation.....all that stopped.

I still care about her....I always will, but it's not you that always makes the separation when it comes to friends. It's life. Life makes that decision.

I'm going off to college. She's going off to trade school, maybe. I'm getting equipment that I'm gonna need to go to school. She's just holding her job and starting her life now. I'm gonna be moving to a dorm room soon. She's trying to move in with what she thinks is her boyfriend. I'm steady trying to balance out my life goals right now. She's steady trying to balance out the different guys she's got on a leash. I'm worried about how I'm gonna pay for school. She's worried about how to get niggas wrapped around her fingers. I'd have so much fun just chillin' outside for a while. She'd have so much fun surfing the web for more losers that have nothing better to do but that. Translation:

Welcome to the real fucking world.

I can't tell her nothing.....she won't listen. I can't suggest anything to her, because she won't care. She's not worried about me. And about 20 minutes ago before I started writing this, it dawned on me just how real that fact really was.

She don't be hittin' me up for shit.....We don't Facebook....Oovoo....Nothing no more.

I guess you learn to force yourself to accept the reality of the things that you can't change. As much I wanna go to college and meet a lot of people: High school has taught me so much about that. That meeting people may make it more enjoyable for you, but when it's over......It's really over.

I'm not saying don't meet new people, I mean, by all means, please do, always. But when you meet those people, and life later tears you guys apart.....let that shit be.

Because as sad as that shit may be.....That's sometimes how it's meant to be.

Don't be like me....sitting here.....mentally reminiscing about the friendships I had, cause that was one of my main focuses back then, so much that I fucked up my own senior year up for the love of my friends, so much that I got beat by a nigga for trying to be a friend instead of just disassociating myself when shit wasn't right no more, so much that at one point in time I would just not go whenever I felt like it because I wanted to hang with my friends instead.

Yeah.....don't.

Don't ever do it like that.

And to think.....all that...happened in just a year....a year. And I went mad.

All that....off of friends. The choices I made, just to keep people I cared about, around me.

Don't repeat.

One thing I learned about myself is that, once I care about someone enough, I do more than I should for that individual. I do so much for that one person, that even if I couldn't do it for myself and even if I know I shouldn't do it, I'm gonna do it anyways.....because....You're my friend yo.....Love.

Well loving friends fucked up my show.

And at the end of the day, I'm alone with nothing but a fucked up ass show.

Because I don't know when to leave people alone....like, I see people fuckin' up and doing dumb shit, and I try to help them....talk to them. And what the fuck does that do for me.....? It gives me a friend....But when that friend stops coming around, then what....? What the fuck then??

.......Man....I just wanna go to school. Just to go to school.

Best believe people will wanna be friends with me......People will always be my friends.....I will always have friends, in and out.....and I will help if I can, regardless cause that's just the type of person that I am.

But...

They sure as fuck won't be my worry.